Thursday, July 7, 2016

New Beginnings | Better Days Ahead?

Life wont always turn out the way you want but God is the perfect story teller and he has a great sense of humor.

I have been told I am a coward because I often don't fight back. They say that I am quiet or weak but I know better. I know that often times you have to choose your battles and other times you just have to let God fight for you.

I have been told not to cry but I cry because I often have no words and I know God understands my tears. There are days when I weep because I feel I am suffocating under the heavy burdens of my life, but I have learnt that the weight only becomes unbearable if you continue to hold on to it. It's not about how heavy your problems are but about how long you hold on to the matters that seemingly weigh you down.

I am an imperfect person and I cannot be like you and you, well you wouldn't want to be like me. I was so concerned about what the entire world thought of me that it pushed me into an emotional coma and influenced me to ask my husband for a divorce. No matter how good he was to me or how hard he tried I couldn't see that because I wanted more and I stayed wanting more, reflecting on the pretty images on facebook, twitter and youtube of what my life should be, "...would've been..." I told him "if I hadn't met you.". I used to rip him apart because I knew I could because I knew he loved me perfectly.

Perfectly, it sounds funny to write it since nothing in this world is perfect. What I mean is, he understands me, is willing to get to know me every day and though I can be the meanest human being it seems to him at times his love for me doesn't change. He is the heart that's meant to love me. I realize how rare that is and that I have a good man beside me and so I decided I would never again speak ill of him or mention divorce but that I would support him and sometimes supporting him means calling him out on his shit.

Even though my children think the world of me I could only see myself as a "less than mom" because I couldn't give them what others seemingly could. How could that be when I love them with the very core of my being and would offer up my life to save theirs and would never ever harm them but felt my heart break when they would bang their knee or hit their head or get a splinter or be allergic to something and scratch themselves uncontrollably and even when they caught a cold or fell ill. They are apart of me and I hope to always be apart of them but to never control them. I teach them, discipline them and sometimes my ways are not the best but I learn everyday and that is what being a mother is.
Yesterday Ayden wanted to be an architect, today he decides he wants to be a chef and I don't know what he'll want to be tomorrow but my response is always the same "You go baby, you'll be the best architect, eh I mean chef ever!" and he gallops away. I engage my children in conversation even though I often times cannot understand Aaron when he speaks (even though everyone looks at me to translate his statements) because I need them to be better than me and their dad. I need them to do better and live better-I have to create an atmosphere in our home that encourages that.

I resigned to realize that I did my best, do my best and will forever do my best irregardless of what "they" said. Who are "they" anyways? And what makes "they" an authority on every and any subject.

I love my husband. I have loved him for seven years and will love him well into eternity. He's not rich and yes he is always working but he does it so that we never have to face those homeless days, those hungry days and it's about time I start appreciating that.

I remember being hungry whilst I watched my children eat many a days because there wasn't enough food for me and my husband to get a piece and we just wanted their bellies to be full. I remember crying when Ayden wasted the food because like I said I was hungry and wasn't in the best health. I think back to the months that I cried myself to sleep because there were things I couldn't talk about to anyone because apart from my mom and sisters who seemed to be caught up in their own lives, my aunt and cousins whom I felt I had burdened enough, my husband just wouldn't understand or would be so tired he couldn't help but fall asleep while I poured out my soul to him.

There was a time I was so angry I would go into the other room and lock myself in and throw things until one night I heard my baby ask "Daddy, what's wrong with mommy, why is she always so angry and sad?"

One of my sisters told me that Ayden often got depressed and would say the very things I would say:

"I am tired. I am just sick and tired."
"I can't take it anymore."
"I'm fed up just leave me alone."

He was only three years old at the time.

I felt I had failed him. I had affected him in such a horrible way and though I often saw it I was too sad to fix it. I was in too much pain to hold him and say "baby everything is going to be okay".

I never let it happen again. I never let my sorrows affect my children ever again. They had wiped my tears enough, hugged me enough, rubbed my back enough and one too many times had Ayden (my three year old, four year old, now five year old) sat on the floor beside me cradling my head.

Now he calls me "the hulk", he says me and "daddy are super heroes" because we tell him he's a baby and nothing should worry him, he should play with his brother, have fun at school and laugh and be carefree. I give his and his brother's stuff away to people who need it more. I share even when they don't think I should and I cry over lost, sad, homeless or helpless souls.

Mommy and daddy will handle all the hard stuff and we will never ever allow anything or anyone to hurt them or make him or his brother sad. We act silly with them and every night we sing at the top of our lungs and run around in the house until we fall down and daddy says mommy is a bad influence because she is condoning a whole lot of noise making. I pray with them and even Aaron gets to say his few words to God and pretend to read the Bible.

I am not perfect but my children sure think I am. Ayden doesn't cry as much as he used to or seem to carry the troubles of the world on his shoulders and Aaron well he's coming around.

I wake up every morning and fix breakfast and they sit at the table waiting to be served like the princes they are. I watch "It Seems Beautiful" and "The Promise" and then I turn the remote over to Ayden so that they can watch cartoons on the other station. I sit and watch them play, or get upset about whatever and bicker at each other or throw pinches and punches and tantrums. I laugh at them then threaten to beat them.
I begin prepping their dinner at 3pm and bathe them at 4:30 so they keep cool in this horrid hot summer. They sit at the table as soon as I put on their clothes because they know it's dinner time and I always always eat with them. Ayden always asks "Mommy, you leave daddy dinner in the pot?" and I say "Ayden, don't ask mi nuttn man!" and he snickers and laughs and says "You leave daddy dinner in the pot man!" because he knows I am upset that daddy isn't at home eating with us.

They give me grey hairs because they antagonize me all day and night but they keep me on my toes literally because no matter how much I try to potty train Aaron I still end up stepping and slipping in pee and other things.

If I go to work Aaron doesn't talk to me when I get home and Ayden literally sits at the house door waiting for my keys to turn in the lock. I don't know how true this is, but that's what daddy always tells me.

I call my husband daddy so the children call him daddy, but also because he calls me a freak all the time. *Wink*

Laugh out loud, the latter part is just a joke.

They are so attached to me that even though they have a big bed in their room they always go for the pillows and spread the cover sheet right at the foot of the chair that I sit everyday writing and lay there until they fall asleep.

Our lives are about to change forever and they knew it before I even said anything. I didn't welcome it as much as they did and I hope for my sake and theirs that it is an "Ashley" because they have their heart set on a her.

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