Finding out about the pregnancy the way I did was a hard blow. I had promised myself in 2015 that with Aaron growing up it was time to set out on new adventures and with our expenses and nothing lined up in my makeup artistry for 2016 it was time to get a job to better support my husband in caring for our family.
2015 was a good year for my artistry, particularly the spring and summer. This year was slower than ever and didn't seem to be picking up especially now that there were tons of makeup artists on the rise. Added to that was the fact that there were more popular artist with larger followings and more influence. The long and short of it was that everyone and their mother was now calling themselves makeup artists.
My mind was frantic with worry because where as last year I paid Ayden's school fee, bought all his books and uniform with monies I had earned from mostly bridal work I had no bookings yet for 2016. I decided to redesign and re-market myself as an artist and increase shameless promotion of my work.
That didn't work and so I decided to get a job.
I knew exactly where I wanted to work and I had sent in an application to them May 2015 but I didn't get any feedback so I figured there was no vacancies. I sent in another application to them in December 2015 but I didn't get any reply so again I figured there was no openings available. That is when I decided to try other places and when I got the call in January from Xerox Services I felt relieved but I was sick. They called again in February but I was even worst and recovery didn't seem imminent.
The next time they called I was feeling much better and I decided that I wouldn't miss this interview. I had put in so much effort into getting this job that when the offer got rescinded I felt betrayed and taken for granted. That girl that started the talk of pregnancy that Thursday afternoon had to be mistaken or malicious, I thought. She had said my nose was broad, but my nose had been broad from I was born. She had said my feet were swollen and shiny, but I had a swollen heart so that could be the cause of my swollen feet.
I didn't think much of her accusations or maybe I was just in denial, but I couldn't be pregnant I was on birth control up until February when I thought it was contributing to how sick I felt. Then again Aaron was conceived despite me being on birth control-no, no it wasn't possible, not this time!
I had been so focused on my ill health, obesity, heart test results that proved I had immense swelling of the left side of my heart and the many worries of life that I ignored the possibility of the presence of a human being living and growing inside me.
My belly was always big, I thought, it's not bigger than usual. I have two boys how could I miss a baby belly...really?! I did have stomach aches and there was that time when I couldn't keep down anything, not even water. I could also remember when I was put on medication to treat my stomach and sinuses but how nothing seemed to help.
How could it be-a baby?! I don't want another baby. I had cried that day and even more so when the results came back and I sat in the lab with Kevin and I was so erratic he was afraid to touch me.
I sat there alone for what seemed like hours and the doctors kept asking as they passed by "Are you ok?"
I wasn't okay. I was hanging by a thread, weighed in the balance. Partly psychotic and partly mortified.
How were we going to manage another baby on one salary?
Then my dream job called, and I had to answer the call. I had waited so long for it that I almost forgot I applied.
No one knew about the baby besides my mom, my aunt, dad-in-law, Nieka, and Aunty Karen. They knew because I told them. Then there was those people who could see a baby bump no matter how huge my clothes was.
Nobody at my dream job noticed anything out of the ordinary when I went for my interviews and if I was honest there was no way to tell unless you were really inquisitive. I had even worn my normal clothing, nothing baggy or over-sized. As my luck would have it I didn't get that job either and even though it hurt like hell it wasn't because I was carrying.
I have long since asked God to forgive me for the terrible things I said when I found out about the baby but it was the truth at the time that I didn't want this baby. I was opposed to this pregnancy so much that I preferred having a heart attack and when someone I know well said to me that maybe this baby was conceived to save my life, I thought, I would rather be dead.
This hurt my husband. He had never heard me be so negative in his life.
He said "You're always the one speaking positive things over our lives. You always say God is in control and He doesn't make mistakes. You always say everything is going to be okay so why can't everything be okay now TRich? So what if we're having another baby and we are financially drained, we take care of two children on our already megre budget, we'll do it again. I will take on more jobs..."
Just then I thought "Man miss me with that bullshit, I don't want this baby and I don't want you working yourself to death."
Abortion never crossed my mind because-well it just didn't. We're not that type, we don't abort our responsibilities. We did the deed and this wasn't the worst consequence. I would learn to love this child.
In truth, I already did.
The moment the baby moved inside me I clutched my belly with joy and Kevin told me how he watch me in my fascination as if I had never been pregnant before. Then I started to say things like "I can't wait to meet you." and my husband and the boys caught me talking to my belly or caressing it or squealing with excitement when the baby kicked or did anything that I could see from the outside.
I started making up baby names but I couldn't talk to Ayden about that because whenever I said any other name besides Ashley he would say "No, she name Ashley. Ashley mi seh she name." He was even more defiant when I said boy names "I already have a brother." he would point out.
Ever so often Aaron comes and rests his head on my belly and he rubs it and kisses it. His words are few and disjointed but it's all you need to hear really "Baby...in belly."
"It's all apart of God's plan. I told you He has a great sense of humor." Aunty Karen's words echoed in my head.
Kevin I will never get caught off guard like that again and as for the rum cream I'll never touch the stuff again.