Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Outcast | Worthless, Unworthy...Failure!

Life's sudden shifts can be heart rending and for different reasons. What breaks my heart may not necessarily break your heart and that is why compassion falters on a scale of relativity. As a people we often forget that words can devastate and so too actions and even though a person may seem impervious to all things blood still flows though them. I am not kind because I want something from you I am kind because I know what it feels like to be mistreated. I listen, not because I have nothing else to do and there is some level of satisfaction from pretending I care about you but because I know what it feels like to never be heard. I have a positive attitude because what can I accomplish by being mean and nasty to others?! I would rather see someone laugh than cry and if I can play a part in that then I am better for it.

I had lost the job and I couldn't do anything about it.

The words of worthlessness spoken began resounding in my head and I had every person that ever said I was something bad come flooding back. Why was I always fighting defeat when it seemed that was my destiny. My mother had uttered life shattering words when I was seventeen. I had never forgotten her words but had they taken root that well that no matter what I did I could not resurface into a better existence or success.

"You will never accomplish anything, you will fall flat on your face." The tears came again rushing down my face and I whimpered in the corner of my room avoiding my children because they shouldn't see their mother like this.

What about my in-laws...the entire family, were they too right without knowing anything about me?

"You need to get a job!"

"She needs to get a job."

"Look how Kevin megre!"

"Pregnant again?!"

"No bother go have no more."

"She's dragging Kevin to hell."

In truth I was afraid of the in-laws. The moment I met them I wanted so much to please them that I never did anything my way. I seemed to live for them, as they wished that's what I did and they still hated me.

I have never felt like I belonged anywhere-I could pour out my soul to Nieka but no one else. Only her.

I couldn't understand how they could speak such ill of me without knowing me...an entire church knowing things about our life that I never told them because I don't even attend their church.

In all my visits to their assembly only seven people have ever been genuinely nice to me. Seven.

This is why I stopped sharing my life with the in-laws because what they knew the church also knew and what they speculated the church seemed to speculate. I just need a minute in my life where I wasn't judged, berated and belittled and so I decided I would only share the news of my disappointment and impending life changing moment with dad-in-law out of the respect I had for him. I would've also shared with mom-in-law but she's not on wattsapp.

That Friday seemed like the longest day of my life. I waited with bated breath for my husband to come home. He was my only company, my mood was better when he was around. He bought KFC zinger to cheer me up and also brought back guests which I wasn't very happy about because it was late I had gone through so much and I just really didn't want to see or talk to anyone. It was one of his brothers and his lady friend.
I tried to be as polite as I could which wasn't hard because I wasn't one to take out my grievances on others. I hadn't seen them in so long but they looked the same to me. We small talked and I learnt they were off to a party with my husband's other brother who lived next door. I saw the couple off and I drowned my sorrows in the spicy zinger sandwich.

Saturday morning my husband was awakened by a call from his brother next door who asked him about that touchy subject that the company fired me for.

"How come you didn't tell me? When are you going to tell dad?"

I mulled over his words and the more I thought about it the angrier I got. Despite the fact that I had made up my mind on Friday to tell my family and dad-in-law the news on Sunday I was still infuriated by how presumptuous his allegations and tone was. This was the day I decided to no longer keep quiet but to speak my mind as I saw fit.

It was my news, my "thing" to tell if I wanted to. No one was privy to the information. It is my body and my secret to keep or share and frankly if they cared they would've known and there would never be an issue to be made about finding out.

"If I find out on Friday you don't have to know on Friday because I and my family don't matter to you. Your other brother knew because though he doesn't live next door to me he wanted to visit with us since he was in the area. I am not obligated to anyone. Why you wan't to know? You don't care! You live next door, literally a stone throw and you never bother about us so what?!"

I vented loudly and I did not care. I wanted them to hear. I needed them to hear.

"You know my phone number and you know where I live. Stop pretending. I have a friend, her name is Aunty Karen and she couldn't get me for a very long time because my phone wasn't working and you know what she did? She called my husband and I have another friend her name is Kayan and she does the same thing. Once Aunty Karen couldn't get any of us because both phones had been destroyed and you know what she did? She put her baby in the car and drove to our house. None of you have any excuse not to know anything or cast judgement. YOU KNOW WHERE WE LIVE AND YOU ALL DRIVE!"

That was the reality and that I had spoken it I felt better.

That day I vented all my frustrations with the in-laws and everyone else who felt I owed them something. I told the news to my mom, my aunt, and aunty Karen that Sunday. I also sent the very same message to dad-in-law. Neika had known from day one because she is always checking in on me and messaging me and if she cant get me one way she tries many other ways and that is someone who cares. She lives in the states, she doesn't have to do it, but a week never passes without a message from her. She also works full time and has a husband to cater to but she makes the time for not only me but other cousins and friends. Aunty Karen is like a sister I never had, she's a single mom with a full time job and she still checks in all the time. Aunty Joan is my other mum and she filled the void that was left when my grandma died, she calls what seems like 24/7 and she gets mad at us if he cant get us, but that's love.

I will always share things with my mom no matter how messed up my life with her has been and that's because she's my mom and I love her no matter what. I still think she did her best raising six children without a dad. She may have a funny way of showing it but deep down she loves me. I never have to tell my dad anything because he always knows, he knows everything before I even know it. We have a strange bond but we have a great bond. I love my family because they never judge me, ever! Sunday afternoon my phone rang and over again, my mom, my aunt, aunty Karen told me they loved me and that they were with me. That I didn't need to worry because everything was going to be okay. They told me God had a plan and I just needed to hold on and continue to be strong and trust His hand and timing. That they knew the woman I was and the man my husband was and that God is never far from us. Their support was invaluable and my tears stopped. My heart ache seemed to quell and I could face my children again. I could laugh for the first time in days...in weeks.

We would be okay.

Monday I got a call that I knew would change everything. It was my dream job. The happiest few minutes of my life. I screamed like an idiot when the phone interview ended. I was thrilled when I was asked a week later to come in for the initial face-to-face interview. Even though I had panicked when I hadn't heard anything back for a couple of weeks I was stoked when I was called in for the makeup demo interview.

This was it. My life had been made and there was no way I could fail.

I did fail. They had chosen a better candidate. As I sat reading the email yesterday the room became very dry and I began to suffocate as I wrote my reply. My tears hit the keyboard like heavy weights falling on hard metal. I had waited a month just to find out I didn't make the cut. I wasn't good enough. The manager called (she was such a sweet soul) to assure me that I had done well but there was just so many applicants to the ratio of positions available-one, and that's why. I appreciated her kind words more than she will ever know but I still felt like a failure all over again.

This time it was my dream that had dried up like a raisin in the sun.

Night fell, so did my tears and I couldn't seem to compose myself.

In my house no matter your tragedy life must go on. Though my room felt pumped with poison and the day had suddenly taken a turn for the worst I still had to prepare their meal, get them clean, plate their food for them to eat and put them down to sleep. I still had to wash the dishes and sweep the floor. I still had to be mom and wife.

I didn't get to quit just because I felt sad.

And my husband wasn't home. He's never home!

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