Saturday, July 9, 2016

September...

A good day is simple for me. It's one of those days where Aaron uses the potty, when he pees and poos in that little blue miniature toilet and we clap and dance and create excitement. When they don't come crying about their itchy sensitive skin and I end up having to wipe them down with hydrogen peroxide or witch hazel and baby them for the rest of the day because even though the itching has stopped they are too attached to the comfort to go and play or do anything else.


My children take advantage of me.

Aaron cries bloody murder when I have to go to work on a day like today and malice me when I come home because I am always with him and I shouldn't ever leave. He comes and sits in the bathroom when I am bathing or doing the number one and two and even cries to sit on my lap in the process.




Aaron is a handful.

A good day is when they don't fight with each other or force me to get the belt and eat breakfast with such high anticipation that thy end up choking or asking for more.

A good day for me is when Ayden can't stop talking and recounts every detail of school life and his friends and I know he will tell me everything when he grows up because there was a time when he didn't share anything with us at all and every feeling was bottled deep for us to dig out of him. I nod and laugh at his tales because he cues me in on when to laugh or shake my head by touching my hand and saying "You hear what I said mommy?" or throwing his head back in some insane grown up laughter as if it's the most humor he himself has ever heard.

I encourage their personalities because I want them to be comfortable being themselves around me and everyone else. I wan't them to never feel small or doubt who they are but be confident so that they can stand up for themselves and what they believe in.

I never want them to keep secrets from me.

Last night Ayden fell asleep and I did'nt get to say to him "Goodnight Ayden, I love you." It has been a ritual since he could talk and he could talk before age two so I always always say it before he falls asleep and he always says "Goodnight mommy, I love you."
I was so distraught that I woke him up after much effort to say it and hear him say the refrain and my husband said "He only said it to get rid of you!"

I started crying and ran to the bathroom. Ayden and Aaron jumped out of their sleep and out of the bed and rushed to me. "Mommy it's okay, I always love you." Ayden comforted me.
Aaron looked at me with his tired eyes and said "Mama...cry." I laughed at the thought of them rushing to my rescue and I immediately felt better.

In my defense I am lugging around extra hormones. I'm pregnant for crying out loud and my children always make me super emotional.

You must think I am foolish and probably Kevin did too since he felt like he made a harmless joke. I didn't feel the same way and so I didn't talk to him for about two minutes.

Truth is I can never stay mad at him no matter how much he infuriates me at times. He tried hugging me telling me how sorry he was. It didn't work.

"Gosh man, hurry up and have Ashley, yuh sensitive sah!" he joked.

I didn't laugh.

It's hard to believe that I used to hate staying at home with my children. I used to dread waking up and doing the same routine. I used to dread having to do all this "wifing" and mothering because I felt it was too much what was demanded of me and there must be more to my life than this-now all this gives me purpose. I had complained so much in spite of always doing what I was supposed to do I complained bitterly because when would I get to do something for me, when was my day off and how come there were no weekends. How long would I be expected to work nights and that too without any pay or compensation.

You have to realize that motherhood is all day everyday and you don't get breaks or vacations, not even when daddy is around. You clean the pees and the pukes and cradle them like new borns' late nights when they cry for discomfort or they simply aren't feeling well. You rub their back and their tummies and you let them cuddle up beside you because it makes them feel better.

I used to believe that I wasn't cut out for being a mother and that family movies were fabricated lies that illustrated children as monsters and parents as over worked, smelling of baby puke and poo, too tired at the end of the day to spend any time with each other.

It's true. It's all true.

I did not even want children. I wanted zilch, zero, none and to find out you're going to be a mother of three-yet I cannot imagine my life without them. Insignificant are the days before their birth and as much as I wouldn't dare having a fourth I love them more than I can ever express.

In all the chaos though you have to find your voice and find the time to express it.

I told my husband that this time around it's either he gets snipped or I get stitched because I am not about that netball team life unless I was filthy rich.
We decided I would get snipped and stitched. It's not a hard  decision because now there will be three mouths to feed and we have to make sure we give them the best life we can.
Children are expensive and it's not just for a few years it's a forever kind of reality. I imagine they will need us even when they are grown and moved out with wives, lives and children of their own.

I wan't to make sure I put plans in place for them to have not just stability but security. Children need stability as much as they need food and clothes on their back. They need to know that the structure we have created for them won't come falling apart after every storm or hardship. This is when you have to decide that their needs are more important than your own and you will make every sacrifice so that they are alright.

September marks everything new. Ayden starts a new class. Aaron starts a new school. Kevin celebrates 30 years and I welcome a new fruit.

God will make all things new.

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