I'm excited about the new life that's growing inside me. I never thought that I would get to this point. I thought that I would forever regret this child and the opportunities she stole from me but I am in a different place now and I am eager to meet her.
I still hear the "Pregnant again!" remarks but they bother me less and less.
The moment I saw Ashli's face on the ultra sound monitor I knew nothing was more important than her health and her well being.
"She's so beautiful." I uttered weirdly excited and the doctor laughed. He was so intrigued by my response that he went ahead to show me all her tiny features and oooh that heartbeat was like no sound I had ever heard.
I remember days before when I just felt so detached and I hadn't bought a single piece of baby clothes and soon after that ultra sound I went on a pink, butterfly, polka dot craze and I couldn't get enough. As hard as it is to walk I still go out just to furnish her drawers with all the cute girly baby stuff I can get my hands on.
It's strange in a way because I was convinced I was having a boy and nobody could sway me and when the ultra sound proved Ayden's suspicions I felt a bit disappointed because boys were familiar, it would mean not having to buy a single thing because I had most of Ayden's and Aaron's baby gear to pass down.
Kevin is on the moon, as he usually is but even more so now because "I'm getting a princess." he says.
I laugh out loud at his euphoric gestures and the fact that he has "up the anti" talking to my belly all the time, caressing it and trying to hold her "knee". His joy is infectious and he's got me thinking about all the "mommy-daughter" moments Ashli and I will share.
Ayden and Aaron are perfect big brothers they never let mommy have a moment of peace and they always want to help me to do the chores and everything.
I must confess that I am a bit overbearing and quite miserable but I hardly get any sleep so in my defense I am a tad listless. I am taking it easy though because my last doctor visit didn't go so well and ended with me being put on antibiotics, and pressure medication.
"You seem to be going through a lot," she said "but you need to take it easy and get that blood pressure down."
Kevin says his family will be complete and it's funny how I didn't know he felt this way, that we were somehow missing something or "someone". I think she will be unequivocally attached to her daddy because her dad's a great guy. Heck even I'm attached to him, he makes me better!
I didn't always feel this way and there were times when I thought he was all wrong for me. I used to be intent on changing him to suit my silly childish fantasies, comparing him, dissecting him, but I grow to love him more with each passing day. When we're together I want to hold his hand.
Me, who used to believe it was a pretentious show of affection that I needed to spare the world from.
Marriage isn't silk worms and butterflies and even though we never ever let the children see us fight we have our moments. I told Kevin since evening not to do something or else I am going to vex.
"That's okay," he said "I can handle that, How long you normally vex with me for again?! Couple hours!? Is not like you vex the whole night."
I wanted to scream but instead I was laughing because it was so true. I can never stay mad at him no matter how hard I try. I thank God because even though I don't have a life of luxury I have a pretty awesome relationship with my husband. It takes time and effort to get here though and though our marriage is still young and has a lot of growing pains to maneuver I am grateful for how far we've come.
I love when he laughs, it's like morphine injected straight into my spine, a wicked and torturous symphony to love making especially when he's had a fresh shave and trim.
When he brushes past me with sweet naked flesh I am like a bee desperate for nectarine and the fruit is as sweet as honey.
I don't want to loose the sensation as I often have-unwilling to compromise. It should always be like this between us!
We're different now, not perfect but different and we wouldn't want to be anything else though our desire is to love each other perfectly.
The truth is we've come a long way from days when I just didn't want him to touch me to raising a family together. It was so bad you'd think our marriage was arranged!
Seven years of friendship, six years of marriage. Now we're having another baby together...another baby, it still hasn't quite sunken in. Another personality to learn, another life that I will have to pray to God I don't ruin.
There's no doubt that he will continue to work hard to make sure we have all we need and this time I will support him every step of the way and I won't complain about the long hours or far distances-okay I will try not to complain!
One day soon I will have a job too. I am thinking January, (maybe that's too soon) but still from my lips to God's ears. I will continue to do my artistry but I want something a bit more certain, a regular day to day, nine-to-five type deal.
Ashli's growing fast and I can tell she's eager to meet her brothers.
If only she knew how much we want to see her, hold her and smell her baby fresh skin.
The questions still come about just how well we will cope, manage or take care of another little person.
Please don't worry about us.
It's like my husband says "TRich you will pray harder and I will work smarter. We will find a little church and go...the same way we take care of our sons, the same way we will take care of our daughter. If you can potty train Aaron by yourself in three days to the point where he doesn't want to even sleep in a diaper then you my sugah can do anything!"
His words are generous but I am not that great. I cry in a corner of my room on my knees sometimes until I fall asleep. I worry quite a bit and that's a flaw in my human condition but most of all I never let a minute pass without telling my babies how much I love them. In my reality it is God who is great.
I'm just a simple human. I scream at my children.
I get vex with my husband without and within reason often times expecting him to read my mind.
I get annoyed at the land lady when she's outside using the pipe while I am trying to take a shower.
I sit and eat an entire snickers with almonds bar or box of "Ferrero Rocher" all by myself never offering Kevin or the kids a piece and only after I have a tummy ache do I feel guilty about not sharing.
Yeah, I'm pretty grand.
You have to be yourself and love yourself no matter who's watching or whose loving you because if you can't do that you will never be able to truly be happy or love anyone else.
Don't compare yourself! I can guarantee that the mango isn't always sweeter from the other yard and the food on that table isn't always the taste you're accustomed to. Contentment is not settling, it is learning to appreciate your blessings and not coveting what you see someone else with. It is thankfulness, and it changes everything.
You were not created to just exist... so LIVE!