Yesterday I tore into "Mel" with venomous fangs and I have no remorse about it.The truth is defending yourself to people is a tiresome affair. I told the doctor at this week's visit that I wouldn't get worked up because apparently my blood pressure is critically high and I am now considered high risk. A friend of mine also told me the implications that would pose for little Ashli if I didn't get it in check.
I literally couldn't get out of bed this morning. I was feeling pain in my abdomen and my vagina seemed to ache in a paralyzing way. I figured I was just tired and then I started crying and the core of my problem was enlightened again.
Last night my husband came home and he ate his dinner and went to sleep right after. He was not his usual self. He complained of a terrible headache and strain in his neck. I knew there was more to it than that since he told me of a call he received yesterday evening. He seemed sad and distant and though I tried to talk to him he seemed busy with other thoughts. At times he seemed to ignore me by giving all his attention to the boys but I figured it was because I was talking about the issue too much at that point and it was possibly getting to him. I also realized that as I spoke he was on the phone trying to call someone.
I knew who he was trying to call.
"How long have you been calling her?" I asked
"A couple times." he replied before leaving the room.
I don't like when my husband is stressed and so I try not to contribute to his anxiety. I decided to leave the matter alone.
My husband doesn't deal with stress very well, especially where it concerns his "mommy and daddy". In light of this I have decided to take a hiatus from writing because it seems as if old wounds are beginning to re-open and old scars are starting to itch.
He has enough on his plate as it is. He stood Wednesday as my doctor told him that with the condition of my health I was in for a rocky road for the rest of this pregnancy. She was alarmed that even with the medication my blood pressure was still terribly high. I also don't want to have any more of my blood drawn.
I just want to see my little girl born happy and healthy.
"We need to know what we're going to do when and if you get admitted to the hospital at your next appointment." He said to me that night when he came home. "Aunty Joan isn't here so we don't have anyone to overnight the boys to."
I didn't know what to say.
I am feeling very overwhelmed today.
This morning I considered that bad things should happen to me. I think that maybe I am deserving of all that they throw at me. I keep thinking about what more I could have done to make them like me.
I am so tired.
Kayan cheered me up with such wisdom and I always feel better after hearing about my sweet Jade.
I just feel that,
Why should my husband be so hassled because of me.
I have only caused him grief by sharing all this.
He doesn't say anything but I know him well enough to know what his extreme silence means.
He called me just now talking about socks, receivers and hats for his little girl.
He says he's okay. I guess he is.
He also said he loves me...about that there is no doubt in my head. I just...