No one knows what the future holds. All we can do is try our best to prepare for the circumstances surrounding it.
I'm still a little shocked at the way my life turned out. I had big dreams and none of them included marriage or children.
It's not because I am selfish or perhaps it's exactly that!
It's just that I had spent my youth taking care of my sisters and brother. I had just imagined a better life than I grew up in.
I have some resentment for my mother and it seems like I should be over it already. I make excuses for her all the time clinging to that tiny shred of hope that she will pour at least a dredge of her love over into my cup. I feel like my mother has never been there for me. I feel as if she's never supported me. I grew up pretty much neglected and abandoned. I have never disrespected my mother and she'll be the first to tell you what a good kid I was but somehow it escaped her abilities to love me and be there for me. I feel like I was abandoned by her even though we lived in the same house for so long.
My mom came to my wedding and she was excited and happy but she never came to any of the other things leading up to my nuptials except my bridal shower and I feel like she wouldn't have been there if she wasn't cajoled by my aunt. She didn't come to any of my baby showers and it wasn't because she was doing anything important on the day she just couldn't bother once and the other time she said she didn't have any bus fair-she couldn't even spare one hundred dollars for me! She never came to visit me in the hospital except for that one time when I nearly died and doctors told her she would have been burying me that weekend had my fiance not brought me to the ER when he did.
This life for me has been a lonely one and it sometimes gets lonely in my marriage too. I had brought a lot of excess baggage to my marriage and in many ways I could not communicate with my husband as I often felt he didn't care.
I must admit that I didn't care whether my father loved me or not simply because I had uncle Berley and when uncle Berley was gone I had Kevin. I had never given much thought to the absence of my dad because I had grown up and matured and I was okay without him.
I didn't need him anymore or so it seemed.
I love my parents with a whole but heavy heart because I believe that they should have done better by me. I was their responsibility and their duty in life was to me at least until I graduated high school. I had always seen my mother as selfish and manipulative and my dad seemed to struggle with finding his place in the world or rather establishing himself.
I don't want to be that.
I want to give my children more.
I think about the fact that they didn't ask for this life, nor did they ask to be conceived or bred into this world. This is why I will make every sacrifice to see that their life is full.
I got some things right.
I am proud of myself despite my insignificant accomplishments.
I take good care of my children and I don't ask anyone for help to do it. They are happy and healthy and I have never once depended on anyone but God to sustain them. I am extremely hard on Ayden but I don't beat him for every little thing or punish him like my mother used to do to me...my sisters were never abused the ways I was and if you ask her why she'll tell you that's how I turned out so good and it infuriates me because I would be, will be whatever God designed me to be and no amount of beating or starvings could change that.
Imagine getting beat during the first and second grade for not turning in your home work or writing properly?! Imagine getting beat or told you cant have dinner until you finish your homework, colour in the lines and do it well. There was a time in high school in the seventh grade when I didn't want to go home because I got a B in biology.
I was afraid of the punishment I would get.
I love my mom endlessly but I get weary of the thought that I could be anything like her-I don't want to be like her!
I don't want to miss a single milestone of their lives. I want to love them unconditionally and equally. I want to be able to give them everything they need. I don't want hand outs or hand me downs for them because I grew up on hand me downs and it affected my self esteem. I want them to be humble and kind human beings and that is why I encourage them to share and to never give anything that that they don't want to someone else.
When you give, you give your best, you give what you would want for yourself!
This includes your attitudes.
Ariah, yes when I saw her I knew she was not an Ashli but ARIAH, a lioness, a fighter, a fierce and powerful beauty. She will start out with a little less than her brothers had when they were born simply because she's the first and only girl and I opted against another baby shower.
Her dad and I have done our best to get her as much pretty girly stuff as we could but we have two other children with needs that have to be met so sacrifices must to be made since we want all three of our children to be the best they can be and right now we have to focus on Ayden and Aaron just as much because they are still young.
Ayden will be an architect/engineer so we have to foster an atmosphere that develops his abilities and enables him to dream. Aaron will be a doctor so we have to progressively look towards the expense his schooling will incur. I don't know what Ariah will be because God hasn't shown me yet, but I know she will be just as awesome as her brothers.