Tuesday, January 10, 2017

RECOUNTING 2016 | BITTER SWEET DAYS - PART II



He was watching this video one night - link - it had come up in his facebook feed.

I thought it was amazing how God had put it there for him to see as I listened to the teacher speak.




At the end of the video he resounded "That's true." and I thought to myself how ironic it was since he seemed to put everything before us.

I asked him once why he did the extra stuff thinking that maybe I was just too hard on him and expecting way too much and he said "because I like it."

I remember being so confused that day and weighing my disappointment since he was human and allowed to want to do something just because he liked it.

Then I thought "No, that is not enough. It's not enough to just like it."

In the past he has picked up odd job for us, to make sure his family was okay and now he was working longer hours, grave yard shifts, Saturdays, Sundays and then some.

He never told me anything and I couldn't understand how someone was working so hard and bringing home coins instead of cash.

It didn't add up and then everything became clear.

He liked it so he didn't charge what he was worth.

People would take advantage: pay him late, pay him part or not pay him at all.

I was fuming.

I always stayed home with the kids, gave up jobs for him.

I was so angry and bitter and hurt.

I didn't let it show, but I had to say something after he responded to the video the way he did.

I said "Did you hear what he said?"

"Yes."

"Then how come you try to fit us in last? "

" I don't do that. "

" Yes you do! You come home late everyday. Most times I don't know you're working late until after the fact. I give you money to get stuff on Saturdays or other days and you don't get around to buying them until we're practically starving even though you said you were only going to drop something off or pick something up-we're always put on the back list, you forget to do the important things all the time. You working like a slave for pennies doesn't actually help us!!! How are we to eat like kings if you keep picking up crumbs like mice."

"All you do is unprofitable hard work."

He sat quiet and I though to myself, maybe I expect too much.

Then he said " TRich, I'm sorry. I promise after I finish Ayden school, I will abandon all unprofitable hard work."

I stared at him.

"DEAL? " He questioned attempting to hug me.

" Deal. " I replied unflinching.

I would wait and see if anything changed.

Sadly nothing changed and I remember one Sunday he fell ill and my work increased. He had diarrhea and vomiting and I had to care for him the way I would the boys if they were ill and somehow I didn't mind I always feel purposeful when I take care of my family but that purpose dims when I begin to feel unappreciated and taken advantage of.

He still worked late.

When he came home he was always groaning, grimacing and complaining. I was so tired most times I sat falling asleep as I waited for water to boil to make tea for everyone or even the night as I cooked soup sometime after nine because he was afraid to have anything else.
He milked his illness and yet one day I told him to stay home so I could take care of him after seeing him run to the toilet for the twelfth time before he left the house and he said no.

I remember cleaning the toilet that week and crying and gagging because it was a mess of dried vomit and poop stains.

I clean every Wednesday at at twelve noon or just before.

I get anxiety about a dirty bathroom because my boys have to lift the toilet seat to pee and Aaron likes to go in there and sit on the mats and play with his toys.

That same day he came home early but said he had to go back out to do a job.

I remember thinking as I swept and told the boys to get ready to bathe how he couldn't even lift his finger to help me around the house but could do other jobs.

As long as they're outside the home, right?!

I lifted the bed to sweep under it and he motioned to help me and I told him "Don't help me, because when you're not here I have to do it on my own and you're never here!"

He looked sad but I didn't care and I felt petty.

He told me he loved me as he went through the door but I did not reply.

He left and I continued on with my day as if he didn't even stop by.


TO BE CONTINUED 

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