Saturday, May 20, 2017

THE END OF MY LIFE AS I KNOW IT

Today's my birthday.





I woke up to a semi dirty house with a sink full of dirty dishes and throat pain lasting me almost 3 weeks now. It could be because I shout at my children a lot but who am I to say the doctor's wrong. It's an infection, they say, one that causes the throat to feel like it's got scabs and tears and the ears to pound like bursting drums.

I drag myself out of bed because I am dead tired and I had to drink more than the required amount of water yesterday to flush salt and toxins out my body that caused my face, hands and feet to look swollen. I could feel people itching to ask me if I'm pregnant, but you can't get pregnant if you don't have sex. And stay out mah business, yah nosey!

The plan was to get up at 4am, go to prayer and then clean house. I dread a dirty environment. It seemed as if I had waited a century with all the rains that fell for the bathroom mats to dry. I didn't spread them out right away because I wanted to clean the bathroom first so it smelled like bleach and lemon scent sud sud. I didn't see when he layed them out but I didn't argue either. I had only started feeling some type a way when he took Aaron to the bathroom and because he was half asleep he peed all over it.

So, today I have to re wash the bathroom mats, wash Aaron's shorts and underwear since they were still on him as he stood and urinated on what seems like everything.

Today, I have to fold all the clothes I washed in the week.

I walk wearily to the kitchen to put on the kettle so I can get some tea in me. My stomach aches so bad that I don't want to speak.

No one's awake yet.

Ari woke around 5am but I managed to get her back to sleep. Her father tried to hold her down to keep her from waking me but I have a secret that he'll never know. I always hear my children. I hear every groan, every sigh, every cry and every turn. I know when they have nightmares and when their dreams are sweet. I watch them with my side eye and when I am sleeping I watch them in my spirit. I just wait and watch to see how he handles it and he usually doesn't handle it and tries to force them back to sleep which never ever work and I can't imagine why he would think still that Ari would be any different. I took her, fed her, whispered to her and she sleeps like a baby again.

As I sit in the couch waiting for the kettle I see Aaron sit up in the bed then throw himself down and the crying starts and my headache starts and I think "help me Jesus, I can't today".

I make him a cup of tea and and a plate of something to eat and I call him to sit at the table.

It's ironic, maybe, that I make such a big deal out of everyone else's birthday but mine comes around and I don't care in the least. It's cause I feel that no one's excited about me. My husband started to tell me happy birthday at 1am then he stopped and said "I'll do that later"  and I can't feel sad about it because I don't care.

It's my birthday today, but birthdays were never really a good experience for me. It's just another day at home with the children and my absent husband who even when he's here he's not here.

I can't complain though. I can never complain. It makes me a bad person.

Today's my birthday, but what does that even mean. Acknowledging 29 years of being a complete waste of space.

No one cares that I was born, not even me.

I 'm not entirely sure why I feel this way. I know my kiddos love me and I have a circle of people who are ecstatic to have me in to have me in their lives.

On top of that my little girl just held my hand and said "mama" she had the utmost look of concern in her eyes.

Life's not perfect but I am thankful, grateful and I choose to be happy.

So, today's my birthday.
Let's dream and aspire.
Let's live, not a little, but a heck of a lot.

This is end of my life as I know it. It's time to make a few alterations.

I woke up with the desire to see my husband rest unbothered (he needs it to be honest, he works hard). I wanted to be a better mom so I mustered up all the patience it took not to go off on Aaron as he bawled for two whole hours. I want to be a better me so I am going vegan. When? tomorrow, obviously.

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